Page 453

[Alexandr Korol]

the modest, the kind — they, on the contrary, all started to bloom. That’s what I
began to notice. But it gets even more curious. It’s as if I don’t belong to myself
anymore, I can’t control it; suddenly, with every passing day, especially toward
the end of summer, I started wanting to change everything. It’s as if I woke up,
or as if I really was in the darkness, and suddenly the light was switched on,
and what is yours and what isn’t yours was highlighted even more brightly. I
felt a desire to put everything in order, to change everything: to remove certain
things, to sell or give away or throw out certain items — both those in your
home and those you wear as clothes. But it also started to affect absolutely
everything else. It’s as if I don’t belong to myself; it’s happening on its own: my
attitude toward music changed, toward movies, and even toward the resources
I use. I even stopped listening to music on Spotify; it happened by itself,
I only just noticed it now. I looked back and saw what was happening to me,
seemingly without my own involvement. Also, accidentally, without any
conflicts or arguments, I began to change my social circle very significantly.
That is, I started, let’s say, removing certain people from my life so their
presence was gone. And other people — some old, forgotten ones or new
ones — I started letting into my life. And it’s as if all the people who are
returning now or appearing for the first time are all super bright and
loyal, while those who, let’s call it this, haven’t “purified” themselves —
those who still have pride, egoistic views, or some kind of bile inside — I just
let them go. I just left them and let them go, because it’s as if nothing can be
done with them anymore; they just are that way. It feels like before I saw that
they were like that, but I gave them a chance, and many chances, and they got
away with everything, as if it was still their time. But now it’s as if their time
has gone, and they must go along with that time, and there is no sense in
giving these people a chance anymore. I describe all of this to Big Alexander,
telling him that, in a literal sense, a kind of order is being established. It’s
as if it was winter and now spring has arrived; all the snow has melted, and
there’s some rotten foliage left over from autumn and winter, and I am clearing
it away so that new flowers and buds can bloom. It’s as if order is happening
right now; it’s not because something is collapsing for me — I see that, on the
contrary, everything is being built. It’s not because it’s happening in some
negative form, but rather in a super bright, divine form. And so, I describe all
of this to Big Alexander and ask: