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[Alexandr Korol]

And the point is — if I had met with a person like this, the next day I would disappear, especially if he started really straining me hard with these thoughts, these questions, limiting me, or packing me into the frames of his limited mind — I could block him, delete him. Or, well, of course, at first, I could politely ask him to stop. But since I was still inexperienced and young — it’s only now that I can politely say: “I’m sorry, well, I’m busy.”Back then, I just couldn’t even say it like that — that would already be a strain for me — and I would simply take French leave, as they say. I would simply disappear. But again — I would disappear not in the sense of: a guy gave me a ball to play with, and there I am: “Oh, he is straining me — I disappeared, and I owe him something.” Well, of course — I didn’t owe anyone anything, and I didn’t behave that way towards employers, for instance — that is, I didn’t let any people down. That is, this was, of course, taken into account — my upbringing wasn’t going anywhere. It was there, my upbringing. And it was specifically that, when you have a friend, a male or a female, and you want to be with them in this magical world, in the lightness, “without the mind,” and they start, with their minds, to already define you — I would disappear. And then, what is most curious, I myself would return — directly, the very day the person had forgotten me. Just, figuratively speaking — the person had only forgotten me and let me go in his head yesterday. He directly confesses this, says himself that he had let me go in his head yesterday — and today I call him or write to him. Just like that. And people would ask me how I do this. I would say: “Well, I don’t know — I just felt that it’s possible to communicate again now.” And that’s it. That is — just like that, can you imagine? And for this reason I couldn’t communicate for a long time — I tried to hack this. After all, I was actually studying — and maybe I didn’t like some tension that I would feel when people want to close me off. But I didn’t know that this closing-off was precisely what becoming a material person is. And so there is this kind of paradox of contradictions. That is — I wanted to be a material person, like everyone else, and I wanted all that material social life that all people have. Back then, that’s what I wanted. But at the same time, when I would feel pain and tension in the body and in the head from some kinds of actions, and from attachments, from how people get attached to me — I would cut this off — and I didn’t know that this was the social mass sucking me in there, and that I would become a person. I perceived it as: I am that one, magical, getting lost and dying.