Alexandr Korol

And as long as I wasn’t connected to those people — as if I didn’t plug into them. Someone would appear, let’s say — not a friend, just a person. Maybe I’d talk with them in a café or restaurant, or go for a walk. Maybe we discussed something. Maybe it was a photographer who was taking pictures of my book, figuratively speaking. At that time, of course, there weren’t any books yet, but still. And that’s it — at that moment, I was there with them, right then, in the studio, he was photographing the book, let’s say. But after that, I’m done — my attention switches to something else. I come home, and I’m already inside a movie, watching something. But that person wants to get to know me, wants to go for a walk tomorrow, wants to text back and forth. And if I allow that, then at some point (there’s a kind of time process, a kind of connection), if I plug into them — and I don’t control that connection, it just happens through interaction — but if I start making plans with this person and begin to plan that we’ll meet again in a week, start making arrangements, labels, all that, then my whole magical world would vanish. I didn’t understand why I suddenly started feeling limited, insecure. I started to feel like a person, I guess that’s how I’d put it. And we’ve scheduled to meet on Saturday, but I wake up on Tuesday and already feel off. Wednesday — still not feeling great. And suddenly I realize it’s probably because of that person, because the very idea of meeting them weighs on me. I cancel, send them a message — and immediately exhale and feel free again. As if even the certainty of having planned something a week in advance already suffocates you. That’s the kind of unusual thing I’ve noticed about myself. Returning to the question... How is it now? I’m undefined. I don’t know where I’ll be living a month from now. I’m alone. I write books. And I don’t even know what the next volume will be after the ones I’m currently working on. I mean, of course I know the ones I’m writing now, but after I finish those, I have no idea what comes next — whatever life brings. And the moment I start forcing myself into some sort of framework, it immediately starts to — how someone into esoterics might put it — feel like the channel with the “cosmos” shuts down. Seriously. The moment I start building any of those boundaries... But that doesn’t mean it’s bad. So don’t take me as an example. This is something that only a small group of people in the world naturally experience. You shouldn’t try to imitate or force what I’m describing. No. There are just people who have dealt with this their whole lives, just as I described. There’s this group of people — the undefined.