I went through a lot of trials. I even wondered: if I always show up on time but others don’t, if I always help but no one helps me, if I’m always neat and clean but people are dirty, or I always clean everything for everyone and they just mess it all up for me — then I started thinking, if everyone is messy anyway, and they don’t even appreciate it, then why be clean? I really had thoughts like that — from the devil. Why be so clean? Why be so proper? Why be so good, if you’re living among some kind of little pigs? I really had those thoughts. And at certain moments I even tried to sink into the dirt and the bottom, to get dirty on purpose, deliberately. These temptations came in waves, in clear periods. Even at 25, and even at 28, even at those ages, I would fall under that influence and doubt whether it was a good thing that I was like this. What bothered me? I saw how people who simply connected with some companies, said a few words in an hour, and those companies or organizations would then make a book for them, sometimes two, then three. And then I see these people becoming writers, while I realize I’m ruining my eyesight, my health, my back — everything hurts — I’ve been writing books since 2006, and no one recognizes me as a writer. And some people who, just a year ago, were involved in fraud or crime suddenly become writers without even writing books. Naturally, that affected me, yes. And it affected me because I was weak, because I still had some of those human traits — pride or whatever you call it — that upset me. If you are truly pure, of course, such things shouldn’t upset you — I know that from personal experience now. But back then it did upset me, which means I wasn’t fully pure, but I was learning and growing. That’s what we all live for here.
And I saw how, especially from around 2016 to 2018, more and more people started to appear who, without shame, began to mislead others through social media, writing that they are magicians, sorcerers, energy manipulators, psychics, that they’ve traveled to 100 countries, that they are elite astrologers, that they are practically members of secret societies, that they are the most spiritual among all the spiritual — and they write it all openly, brazenly. And they have all this “look at my reviews, look at this, look at that,” and “sign up now, pay,” what they called a “marathon, webinar.” I look at all this and realize that I have sincerely spent my whole life suffering, writing these books, putting my entire soul and Spirit into them. I sincerely read every comment from