Alexandr Korol

“Right now, you probably thought this.” Or, for example, a few lines back I’d write something, and then I’d say: “Just now, a few lines ago, when I mentioned that, you probably thought so-and-so. No, that’s not how it is — here’s how it really is.” And people were always surprised by this, they were shocked — how could I possibly know in advance what the reader would think, or feel, or how they would react to something I had written? And for those readers who got seriously scared — literally scared, as if they had seen the devil — I would try to calm them down. Because I could see it in them, they were truly frightened. So to those people, I would say: “Don’t worry, I published this chapter online. People left comments, I saw their reactions, like ‘this line bothers me,’ and since it was just a draft, I rewrote it and added that part where I say, ‘you’re probably reacting negatively to this line — I know.’ And then I reposted the revised version. That’s why you’re reading it now and wondering how I knew.” And that’s it — people who were already thinking I was some kind of alien, that I needed to be burned at the stake, they would kind of exhale: “Oh, so that’s how it is? Well then, okay, sorry. We were just getting a bit... didn’t want to believe you’re someone who can read minds.” I’d say: “I’m just an ordinary guy, nothing special.” So I’d even make things up just to calm them down. I always tried to downplay myself. My whole life, I’ve made an effort to diminish myself as much as possible. While most people try to elevate themselves, I constantly humble myself in every way. If someone else was praised for something I did, I’d say, “That was all him,” even though it was me. Or if something came up, I’d say, “No, it wasn’t me — I don’t know how to do anything.” I always try to do that. Why? Because I’m very sensitive, and I struggle to handle that kind of aggressive energy from people. You understand — I’m a sensitive person. Just imagine, if I can feel your reaction even to this text, to this chapter, to this recording, then of course I can feel all your reactions. Both the kind ones and the angry ones. And when I post something on social media, I can feel how some person out there hates me. But again, that’s their own pain, their darkness, some heaviness in their soul. I’ve never met this person, done nothing to them, but they live in such illusions that they carry hatred and decide to aim it somewhere — and they aim it at me, as if I’m to blame, just because I’m this all-powerful hero of the book or something.