Alexandr Korol

Anything could have happened. And then, what you write afterward — how I behaved when faith left me — that did happen often. Throughout my whole life, it happened in cycles that I was super inspired. That did happen. There were times when I was inspired, but materially. That is, sometimes I was in a creative state, and other times I was more materialistic, and in those moments I didn’t want solitude or that inner creative space at all. Sometimes I wanted to be alone, and it felt wonderful — full of magic and paradoxes. Other times, I wanted to be among people, but I didn’t feel empty either — I just felt socially and materially engaged, and I enjoyed it. All of this happened on its own, without me controlling it. There were difficult moments when it really felt like everyone was turning against me, and I was snapping back at everyone. And I couldn’t understand what was happening, because before I wouldn’t have reacted to anything at all, and now I was reacting sharply, and people were reacting sharply to me. So, apparently, that too was some kind of cycle. Then there were periods when it was just emptiness. And again, I didn’t understand how, why, for what reason. Those thoughts came too — maybe I did something wrong, maybe I lost my way, maybe I closed myself off. It was as if I had lost the meaning of life. And then what happens next? When that season comes, that cycle where it feels like there’s no more Big Alexander, no messengers, no power places, no voice — nothing at all. And all people seem materialistic. You don’t feel anything. You turn on music — it’s no longer rich and full like before. Everything seems flat. And when you fall into that state, it’s like a temptation, a test — you’re standing at a crossroads, that’s how I describe it. It’s like there used to be a lamp that lit up the dark and the light, illuminated your path, and now the light’s been switched off, and you’re in the dark. At a fork in the road. And what happens is different each time. I’ll tell you how it was back then — now everything is different, of course — but back then, during the period from 2010 to 2023, which is when I started and finished the first volume of “Alternative History,” there were moments when all those miracles disappeared, and it felt like nothing had meaning. And you’d even start doubting yourself, thinking maybe you imagined all of it, that it was all nonsense, and maybe you needed to do something with your life — otherwise, what’s the point of living? “Do something with your life” in the sense of maybe getting a job like a regular person, maybe going back to school, maybe starting a relationship. Like you no longer know where to direct your attention, your compass feels broken, and you just don’t know anymore.