Alexandr Korol

momentarily — but then I have to close back down to 5 percent.” She asked, “Why?” I said, “In that state, I can’t work. There’s no time, no space, nothing is clear — I’m just like in a dream. Everything is happiness, magic, beautiful — but I can’t live like that. I still have to think about how to get money for food and rent,” so to speak. And I told her that if I ever reached that level someday in the future — if I became wealthy — I wouldn’t need much. What I’d need most is just a few people around me, like a butler — that’s how I put it back then — I’d need a butler who would hold my money and simply take care of paying the rent, or whatever else was needed — utilities, food. And then I could fully go insane, in a good way — meaning to become without mind. That is, to switch off those 5% of control and become that 100% — the soul. That’s what I told her. And I also said that it’s like I’m 5% in the world of people, but if I become 100%, then it’s as if I can do anything at all. As if death doesn’t exist, time doesn’t exist, and I can do absolutely anything I want. As if everything is my film — that’s how I described it back then. And maybe I wrote that in the book too, since that acquaintance wanted to talk with me about all of it — it was a long time ago. And back then, returning to your question, I used to express it like this... Well, of course, both you and I — we’ve always tended, even from childhood, to confuse the meanings of the words soul, spirit, consciousness, subconscious, so please don’t nitpick too much about that. At the time, I simply called it the soul, though maybe it is actually the Spirit. But back then I said that it felt like my soul, this inner mosaic, was glowing, but not at 100%, only at 95%, and I needed it to glow at 100% — and then everything would be complete. And I was always striving toward that, through all possible paths. But again, this is just how I felt things — I don’t know what’s the right word for it: soul, Spirit. And really, what will happen to me? Maybe I’ll die — how should I know? But I do know there were periods of time — and most often... No, actually it’s always been different, 50/50, sometimes favorable periods in my life, sometimes not, ever since 2010–2011. And at some point I would say, “That’s it, I’m letting go of control now.” I’d just leave the human world. And what did I mean by that? Just that I deleted all social media, threw away my SIM card, tore up my passport, and just went for a walk. Well, figuratively speaking — not literally tearing up the passport — but I just walked away, without mind. I don’t know, maybe rented an apartment somewhere, bought a canvas, started painting. Rented an apartment,