Page 155
Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2025 4:42 pm
Chapter 3. About Mara and Nirvana
It turns out that even last night, though I’m trying to completely disconnect from all of this, something kept happening again — as if I wasn’t really sleeping, but something was being done to me in my sleep, and once again I was traveling through this matrix. It felt as if I, as consciousness, was wandering through the matrix, through its labyrinths. I remember the same thing happened when I was working on the second volume, when I was building my first matrix in the second volume of “Alternative History.” I remember seeing the same image — like I was flying through the entire matrix — and now it’s happening again. This matrix, this model I’m building, is now appearing to me everywhere; I see it in everything. And last night I had a dream — or what didn’t quite feel like a dream — where I was shown how each geometric shape unfolds and moves according to some form, and that within that shape are other shapes, and more, and more, all moving within some large... And I still couldn’t quite make out or understand in the end whether everything is growing out of the dodecahedron, from each of its sides, or whether it’s all the icosahedron. It seems to be from the dodecahedron, but I really don’t want to get into this now, because I’m trying to switch off and do something else — yet I can’t focus on anything else. I truly can’t edit the book, I can’t respond to questions about the seventh volume, or analyze the first volume of “Alternative History,” because my attention is so heavily drawn away — I’m somewhere out of it. Right now I’m just working on the seventh volume in parallel and recording notes for this eighth volume.
I called Big Alexander yesterday — he’s happy, saying, “Great, capture this state, this state in the Spirit, how you’re completely immersed. So how do you feel it? Tell me.” And I said:
— It feels like that state when you look at everyone from the outside, like without the mind — it always comes in different intensities. Right now, mine is so intense, like it only was back in 2009–2010, just overwhelmingly strong. And I wouldn’t even say it’s being in the Spirit — that’s something else — but more like as if everyone’s forgotten about me, or I’ve forgotten about everyone, and I’m truly inside myself.
It turns out that even last night, though I’m trying to completely disconnect from all of this, something kept happening again — as if I wasn’t really sleeping, but something was being done to me in my sleep, and once again I was traveling through this matrix. It felt as if I, as consciousness, was wandering through the matrix, through its labyrinths. I remember the same thing happened when I was working on the second volume, when I was building my first matrix in the second volume of “Alternative History.” I remember seeing the same image — like I was flying through the entire matrix — and now it’s happening again. This matrix, this model I’m building, is now appearing to me everywhere; I see it in everything. And last night I had a dream — or what didn’t quite feel like a dream — where I was shown how each geometric shape unfolds and moves according to some form, and that within that shape are other shapes, and more, and more, all moving within some large... And I still couldn’t quite make out or understand in the end whether everything is growing out of the dodecahedron, from each of its sides, or whether it’s all the icosahedron. It seems to be from the dodecahedron, but I really don’t want to get into this now, because I’m trying to switch off and do something else — yet I can’t focus on anything else. I truly can’t edit the book, I can’t respond to questions about the seventh volume, or analyze the first volume of “Alternative History,” because my attention is so heavily drawn away — I’m somewhere out of it. Right now I’m just working on the seventh volume in parallel and recording notes for this eighth volume.
I called Big Alexander yesterday — he’s happy, saying, “Great, capture this state, this state in the Spirit, how you’re completely immersed. So how do you feel it? Tell me.” And I said:
— It feels like that state when you look at everyone from the outside, like without the mind — it always comes in different intensities. Right now, mine is so intense, like it only was back in 2009–2010, just overwhelmingly strong. And I wouldn’t even say it’s being in the Spirit — that’s something else — but more like as if everyone’s forgotten about me, or I’ve forgotten about everyone, and I’m truly inside myself.