Page 215
Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2025 5:13 pm
As if whatever happens doesn’t touch you at all — you’re just in the position of the observer. This detached observation is true awareness and spirituality. And it feels like it’s growing more and more in me, you know... I used to be like that in childhood. In recent years I could temporarily shift into that state, but now it’s as if I must fully become that. And I feel it — as if I’m in myself, and this “in myself” is growing stronger, to be that way, in this eighth corner, watching everything from the side attentively and trying not to get involved in anything. It’s as if this separation from society is happening to me — exactly that. That’s what’s going on.
You know what, let me put it differently. Before, it was like I could just allow the Spirit to enter me and I would become that way — but I wasn’t the Spirit. It just entered me, and then I would go back to being regular Alex. But now it’s as if I myself am becoming that Spirit — that’s what I feel. As if it’s not entering me anymore, but I’m becoming that way on my own. As if I’m gaining some kind of density, like I’m collecting myself, accumulating fully: all my attention, which for some reason was scattered somewhere, is now gathering inside me, and I’m vigilant. Like sitting in a corner and watching everything from the side, to get a clear view. And that’s the tuning that’s happening in me now. And it’s all just because of the fear instilled by this Mara. Turns out, without that fear, I wouldn’t have gone into this corner. But on the other hand — let’s put it another way — I was first deprived of this corner, and now I’m seeking my way back to it. Beautiful. But again — why? Because I have to describe in my book all these thoughts, all these sensations, all these stages, the step-by-step process, so that anyone can find a way out of that influence — first and foremost, for those who come under that kind of influence. That’s the first. And second — it’s the path of awakening itself. And my music is becoming more voluminous, everything is becoming more voluminous, and it’s like this separation is happening: there’s me, and there’s this world.
I just spoke with Big Alexander, and he said that yes, that’s exactly how it is — that Mara is driving me into this corner, that she’s been teaching me this whole time because I’m the chosen one. And now she’s teaching me so that I become this Spirit, and so that I learn to be this Spirit and never stop being it.
You know what, let me put it differently. Before, it was like I could just allow the Spirit to enter me and I would become that way — but I wasn’t the Spirit. It just entered me, and then I would go back to being regular Alex. But now it’s as if I myself am becoming that Spirit — that’s what I feel. As if it’s not entering me anymore, but I’m becoming that way on my own. As if I’m gaining some kind of density, like I’m collecting myself, accumulating fully: all my attention, which for some reason was scattered somewhere, is now gathering inside me, and I’m vigilant. Like sitting in a corner and watching everything from the side, to get a clear view. And that’s the tuning that’s happening in me now. And it’s all just because of the fear instilled by this Mara. Turns out, without that fear, I wouldn’t have gone into this corner. But on the other hand — let’s put it another way — I was first deprived of this corner, and now I’m seeking my way back to it. Beautiful. But again — why? Because I have to describe in my book all these thoughts, all these sensations, all these stages, the step-by-step process, so that anyone can find a way out of that influence — first and foremost, for those who come under that kind of influence. That’s the first. And second — it’s the path of awakening itself. And my music is becoming more voluminous, everything is becoming more voluminous, and it’s like this separation is happening: there’s me, and there’s this world.
I just spoke with Big Alexander, and he said that yes, that’s exactly how it is — that Mara is driving me into this corner, that she’s been teaching me this whole time because I’m the chosen one. And now she’s teaching me so that I become this Spirit, and so that I learn to be this Spirit and never stop being it.