Alexandr Korol

even stay with people for long. Because I felt that afterwards there was some kind of overload, as though their world began to pull me in. And it turns out that when I was already in this magical world, already switched into it and had entered it, then whenever anything at all began to shift me from there back into the world of people, I immediately cut it off. And all of this was again on feelings — you feel it yourself, you do it as though on autopilot. As though something becomes unpleasant to you, which means it is shutting you down. And this happens immediately with films, with music, with certain tasks, with certain people if they ask you something, even certain questions — you immediately feel as though you want to run away from it. But only not to think, because if you begin to think, as people make you think about something you would not think about, then it is as though you immediately fall into their world.

What else did I notice? That when I was now in this state of uncertainty, then when I began to communicate with a person, very quickly I wanted to stop talking with him, because it felt as though there was too much of him. And I clearly felt the boundary, that it was as though earlier I had been under the influence of this person, but now, because I had stepped out from under the influence of all people, all systems, all worlds, only because of this I now feel that contrast, that boundary. And when I speak with this person, I am in my magical state, but I feel that I am beginning to lose this state. And it is as though noise comes from him, noise from this person, as though his reality and his mind are clouded, and as though I will now lose consciousness — not lose it, but as though I will slip into autopilot, as though my clear, mad, one-hundred-percent awareness will slip away again, turn off, and I will fall into autopilot. And I wanted to say directly to the person: “That’s it, go away.” It is very unusual, because I had forgotten this, but now I remember how it was earlier in childhood, and it was exactly the same. That is why I did not want... That is, I wanted to talk with people, but it was always very careful, as though you talk for two hours, and after that, as soon as the meeting ended, you forget him in a second and are not connected to him at all — you are again at “zero.” And I always preserved this state of “zero.” But people, they wanted some kind of connection to happen —