Page 175
Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2025 10:31 am
But that was in that magical world. And when I entered the world of people, and physically returned again to stillness, but psychologically I was still connected to the world of people, then that stillness was not pleasing to the worlds of people. More precisely, I mean that when you are connected to the material, then you want the material conditions of life. When you are connected to that otherworldly, magical, spiritual, then the conditions of life you want are such that you do not want to connect with social people, but you want to be alone with yourself. And I felt this difference, a truly mad, colossal difference.
Another observation, an impression of what was happening now, from old memory... That is, when I entered the magical world — and I entered it because it was as though everything became “zero.” As though my mind collapsed, because it had no supports, because there was nothing to lean on, because you do not know where you will be sleeping tonight. And because of this, such a state appears, like shock, similar to fear, but at the same time pleasant, and everything becomes magical. And I noticed an interesting thing — that when you have nothing, but you dream of everything, let us say, you do not have it, but you are in anticipation of something, though you do not yet know what, and you do not even think about it, and let it be whatever it will be — when you are in this suspended state, that is the magical world, that uncertainty. And imagine, over the course of the last couple of days I caught myself noticing how my other self, my old self — there is the new me, the magical one, and the old me — how that old me tried at certain moments, when I was partly closed off by everyday life, that old personality appeared, the one that wanted, out of cowardice, truly out of cowardice, there is no other word for it — for to a person in the world of people, to enter into this magical world is very frightening. That is the barrier that everyone fears to cross, because it is very frightening. Uncertainty is frightening. It is frightening when you are going into nowhere or traveling into nowhere, or you do not know what tomorrow will be, and you do not even think about it. It is frightening for a person. He wants immediately to plan and to understand, or to open a map and look at the map where he is going — he feels as though he must have this.
Another observation, an impression of what was happening now, from old memory... That is, when I entered the magical world — and I entered it because it was as though everything became “zero.” As though my mind collapsed, because it had no supports, because there was nothing to lean on, because you do not know where you will be sleeping tonight. And because of this, such a state appears, like shock, similar to fear, but at the same time pleasant, and everything becomes magical. And I noticed an interesting thing — that when you have nothing, but you dream of everything, let us say, you do not have it, but you are in anticipation of something, though you do not yet know what, and you do not even think about it, and let it be whatever it will be — when you are in this suspended state, that is the magical world, that uncertainty. And imagine, over the course of the last couple of days I caught myself noticing how my other self, my old self — there is the new me, the magical one, and the old me — how that old me tried at certain moments, when I was partly closed off by everyday life, that old personality appeared, the one that wanted, out of cowardice, truly out of cowardice, there is no other word for it — for to a person in the world of people, to enter into this magical world is very frightening. That is the barrier that everyone fears to cross, because it is very frightening. Uncertainty is frightening. It is frightening when you are going into nowhere or traveling into nowhere, or you do not know what tomorrow will be, and you do not even think about it. It is frightening for a person. He wants immediately to plan and to understand, or to open a map and look at the map where he is going — he feels as though he must have this.