Alexandr Korol

I did not want to work, I did not want to be rich, I needed nothing — no cars, no apartments, nothing, I did not need education. But I still had an explanation for this. Even though that was how I expressed my feeling, as I felt this magical world, I could still explain it to her, to friends, to my relatives. I told them that education is wonderful, being educated is great, but I said: “there are such evil people there.” That was when I dropped out of the institute. Very evil people, I said, I cannot bear it, I feel bad, I could become ill if I stay there with those people. And I felt that as though if I connected myself to them, I would fall into their world, and there it was a world of sickness and suffering. And all the classmates, they were all very unpleasant. Many professors, classmates, and the whole atmosphere was very hostile, and everyone judged each other. It was directly broadcast like this: “Look at how you are dressed, what shoes you have, what sweater you wear.” Even when they did not say it to you aloud, you could feel it with the back of your head every day when you came to the university. This method of comparison: what is your last name, what kind of nose you have, how tall you are, whether you have money — it was all about this, and with cruelty. And it hurt me so much that I would run home and just turn on some magical music to switch off and forget where I had just been. And when I explained to my relatives and everyone about work, that I did not want money, it was because I already felt happy. And I did not understand — why is it needed, if I am happy? I said that I did not need much to be happy: to listen to music, certainly, to have a notebook with a pen — I loved to draw, to sketch something — and a camera, and that was all. “So this,” I said, “doesn’t require a lot of money. And I already have it, and I need nothing more to be happy.”

And my relatives, with bulging eyes, would say to me:

— And what about family?
— What family?
— Well, children, family.
— And who needs that? I don’t understand. You? I don’t know, maybe if someday I fall in love, and everything comes together through feelings, then yes — I lived directly through feelings at that time, I said — if the feelings respond, then yes. But if I feel pressure, some kind of tightness inside, then no.