Page 679
Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2026 6:55 pm
It gets even more interesting. On December 1st, I wake up and feel that
I’ve fallen ill. Really ill: a fever, a sore throat, a runny nose, and absolutely
no strength — I can’t even get out of bed. I figured it might just be
acclimatization. But what’s strange is that, beyond the physical, I felt completely
different inside. Before this, for a long time, I had been so “charged,”
so magical; I looked at everything from the outside, and nothing irritated
me. Everything was fine. But starting December 1st — just one day after
meeting with Masha Mikh and Valentina, and after walking through the city
and my places of power — I suddenly feel like I’ve fallen into hell. Or rather,
“hell” isn’t quite the right word — let’s call it the underworld. It’s as if my
focus returned to the mundane, but from a negative angle. I feel bothered,
anxious. It feels like something has happened, even though there’s no
reason for it. I don’t understand why everything is suddenly irritating me.
At that moment, I remember my employee — the one in whom that
“beast” manifested, the one I fought all summer and early autumn, the
one I kept forgiving and giving chances to. I remember him as if I’ve
suddenly landed in a world where he exists again. Just a day ago, I was in
a world where he didn’t exist and where everything was perfect, but now
I’m back in a world filled with problems and problematic people. I write to
this employee just to ask how he is and if everything is okay. My first thought
was that if he popped into my head, it must mean he’s thinking of me, which
might mean he’s in trouble and perhaps needs help. And when I reach out
to him, he says that everything is fine with him, but that he had indeed been
thinking about me all day — specifically about what happened between us, our
arguments, the quest for justice, and so on. And imagine what happens next.
I say to him:
— Don’t worry, I have no grievances against you. I don’t hold a grudge. You have
many good qualities; you can be at peace about this — no claims against you.
Do you know what this beast — whose world I had fallen back into — writes
in response? He writes:
— Yes, yes, Alexandr, we are both to blame.
I’ve fallen ill. Really ill: a fever, a sore throat, a runny nose, and absolutely
no strength — I can’t even get out of bed. I figured it might just be
acclimatization. But what’s strange is that, beyond the physical, I felt completely
different inside. Before this, for a long time, I had been so “charged,”
so magical; I looked at everything from the outside, and nothing irritated
me. Everything was fine. But starting December 1st — just one day after
meeting with Masha Mikh and Valentina, and after walking through the city
and my places of power — I suddenly feel like I’ve fallen into hell. Or rather,
“hell” isn’t quite the right word — let’s call it the underworld. It’s as if my
focus returned to the mundane, but from a negative angle. I feel bothered,
anxious. It feels like something has happened, even though there’s no
reason for it. I don’t understand why everything is suddenly irritating me.
At that moment, I remember my employee — the one in whom that
“beast” manifested, the one I fought all summer and early autumn, the
one I kept forgiving and giving chances to. I remember him as if I’ve
suddenly landed in a world where he exists again. Just a day ago, I was in
a world where he didn’t exist and where everything was perfect, but now
I’m back in a world filled with problems and problematic people. I write to
this employee just to ask how he is and if everything is okay. My first thought
was that if he popped into my head, it must mean he’s thinking of me, which
might mean he’s in trouble and perhaps needs help. And when I reach out
to him, he says that everything is fine with him, but that he had indeed been
thinking about me all day — specifically about what happened between us, our
arguments, the quest for justice, and so on. And imagine what happens next.
I say to him:
— Don’t worry, I have no grievances against you. I don’t hold a grudge. You have
many good qualities; you can be at peace about this — no claims against you.
Do you know what this beast — whose world I had fallen back into — writes
in response? He writes:
— Yes, yes, Alexandr, we are both to blame.