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[Alexandr Korol]

oh God, if I drown in this now, I will completely forget the other me. It’s as if it’s some kind of dream — and if I now plunge into it fully and give it free rein, I will forget that I am a writer, I will forget everything. As if the whole past will be erased, and I will be only in this world, in the world of family.

And I was also strained in the sense that Big Alexander had said not to hurry — and yet there is such a strong connection, and like a daze, everything envelops you… And I would switch on my mind by sheer effort and reflect: “No, no, no, I need to think this over more” — and because of this, I felt tension inside, towards my female friend. When I am simply living, and everything is fine, I am in some kind of paradise — really, this is paradise. But the moment I start reflecting on whether I will build a relationship, and where this will lead — I would start to feel strained. And I think: strange — I should, on the contrary, be feeling the “cosmos” even more. Why do I feel everything tightening inside?

I call Big Alexander and tell him everything. And he tells me: the fact that I feel happiness and as if I am in childhood — that is not nirvana, that is even stronger than nirvana, and much more interesting and more serious than nirvana, that’s just wow. And as for the tension I feel when I start thinking about my female friend — specifically about whether or not to build a relationship with her — he said the following… I’m asking him for the first time:

— Why hasn’t this happened before with any girl? It was as if everything was easy, no one strained, no one was afraid of anyone, didn’t shy away — but here, sort of, everything inside is tightening: why is this?
— And because before, it wasn’t serious — it was just relationships, sympathy, with no obligations, no commitments. And right now you have approached the question very seriously, because right now you stand before a serious choice, and there is no way back. And if you now choose family — that is forever, and that is marriage, and that is children, and that is a big responsibility. And that’s why, when you think about this female friend of yours, you don’t feel love or even more euphoria, but feel tension — because you are not giving free rein to your feelings; because you have not yet made the choice; because you have come so close to this situation, and now you have abruptly stopped, and you must now make a decision. And don’t you hurry.