Page 286
Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2026 2:34 pm
And here, you see, what is most curious is that what works for many people will not work here. I was asking Big Alexander about precisely this — about how before, with a man and a woman, or with me and a girl, when I felt sympathy, we could build a relationship the way we used to, and there was no tension, and everything was wonderful. Why? Because: come what may. It might work out, it might not, it might end one day. That’s how it was. And now it’s as if you really realize and understand that if you say “yes,” that’s it. It’s not just “relationships” in quotation marks and in theory — but that’s it: at once, marriage and children. And right now I stand before this choice. When I will make the decision, I don’t know. Maybe today, by the end of the week, or in a month. Maybe it’ll resolve quickly, or maybe it’ll drag on somehow. Or I will decide not to hurry, but simply to wait, and come what may. A month or two will pass — and although it is this kind of suspended story, maybe this suspended story is itself the golden middle, who knows? I don’t know.
In the literal sense of the word, I am right now immersed in paradise — in the world of family, of happiness, where my parents can be present in my life. And I can build a relationship, a family, children, all of that, and it is just wonderful. When people would ask me: “Alex, what do you dream about?” — I always said that what I really want is to change the world, to save everyone, because everyone is very mean, cruel, with injustice everywhere. But if not that path, then I would simply want a family, like in a heartwarming American film of the 1990s — when there is some kind of simple single-story little house, a minivan, some kind of dog, a Saint Bernard, like Beethoven, two or three children, a wife, love, and I don’t need anything more — that is, no career is needed, and there is no need to prove anything to the world. Just this family, and you are happy, you are in paradise. And I always pictured that it is either a family, or turning the whole world upside down. There are no other options. But all the same, every year I doubted more and more that it was possible to build such a family — because the world is very corrupted, and people are corrupted. I leaned more towards the idea that I will, after all, turn the world upside down — and that everything I hear, these certain voices, and the fact that some higher power is leading me — that all of this is leading, in the end, to the fact that I must do something global in the world. And — that even when I write books, that is already something global.
In the literal sense of the word, I am right now immersed in paradise — in the world of family, of happiness, where my parents can be present in my life. And I can build a relationship, a family, children, all of that, and it is just wonderful. When people would ask me: “Alex, what do you dream about?” — I always said that what I really want is to change the world, to save everyone, because everyone is very mean, cruel, with injustice everywhere. But if not that path, then I would simply want a family, like in a heartwarming American film of the 1990s — when there is some kind of simple single-story little house, a minivan, some kind of dog, a Saint Bernard, like Beethoven, two or three children, a wife, love, and I don’t need anything more — that is, no career is needed, and there is no need to prove anything to the world. Just this family, and you are happy, you are in paradise. And I always pictured that it is either a family, or turning the whole world upside down. There are no other options. But all the same, every year I doubted more and more that it was possible to build such a family — because the world is very corrupted, and people are corrupted. I leaned more towards the idea that I will, after all, turn the world upside down — and that everything I hear, these certain voices, and the fact that some higher power is leading me — that all of this is leading, in the end, to the fact that I must do something global in the world. And — that even when I write books, that is already something global.