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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2026 2:59 pm
that I am magical — because it started to manifest itself among people, and in the world of people, when I started living independently. But with each day, with each month, I was losing that power. I thought it appeared because I had started noticing it for the first time due to the fact that I was coming into contact with the social mass and with people. But in fact, maybe it had always been there. And in general, I was losing it with every month, and then I became a maximally earthly person. And maybe right now all of this has come back because I connected to my mother, started communicating with her. Maybe all of this is because of her. I have to check — I’ll call her today. I don’t know — it’s just a theory. Maybe it really is because of her? You see — just as back then I didn’t know why I was magical, and then ceased to be magical, and what caused me to become magical and what then caused me to cease to be magical — I never identified clear reasons. And now it’s the same — I don’t know the exact reasons why right now, two weeks ago, I again became this magical one and remembered all of this.
Why? What is it because of? Because of the female friend, because of my mother, or because I simply started drinking tea with honey and stopped jamming myself with alcohol and with cola? Maybe because of this? I don’t know. Maybe I reconsidered something in my head. Maybe it’s because I found myself a girl. And maybe it’s because, on the contrary, I had already made the decision in my head that I don’t need any girls. I don’t want to turn away from the “cosmos” and from people for the sake of a relationship, because it’s selfish. Maybe because of this. And maybe, on the contrary, it’s because I found a family. I don’t know. I will be figuring this out further, but I am recording all of this — it’s all the eleventh volume of the novel “Alternative History.”
It’s so amusing — I remember that the mystic-old-man once said that maybe there would be the eleventh volume, if I make it in time. What did he mean by that back then? I never understood. And so this “if I make it in time, there will be the eleventh volume.” Make it in time — maybe before I go off into this state? Because I really did have these thoughts right away — first they disappeared, when I went off into this “cosmos.” And when I started grounding myself and returning to the world of people, I think: I could have not returned right now — and that’s it, I wouldn’t have finished writing the eleventh volume. You understand? And it would have simply broken off.
Why? What is it because of? Because of the female friend, because of my mother, or because I simply started drinking tea with honey and stopped jamming myself with alcohol and with cola? Maybe because of this? I don’t know. Maybe I reconsidered something in my head. Maybe it’s because I found myself a girl. And maybe it’s because, on the contrary, I had already made the decision in my head that I don’t need any girls. I don’t want to turn away from the “cosmos” and from people for the sake of a relationship, because it’s selfish. Maybe because of this. And maybe, on the contrary, it’s because I found a family. I don’t know. I will be figuring this out further, but I am recording all of this — it’s all the eleventh volume of the novel “Alternative History.”
It’s so amusing — I remember that the mystic-old-man once said that maybe there would be the eleventh volume, if I make it in time. What did he mean by that back then? I never understood. And so this “if I make it in time, there will be the eleventh volume.” Make it in time — maybe before I go off into this state? Because I really did have these thoughts right away — first they disappeared, when I went off into this “cosmos.” And when I started grounding myself and returning to the world of people, I think: I could have not returned right now — and that’s it, I wouldn’t have finished writing the eleventh volume. You understand? And it would have simply broken off.