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[Alexandr Korol]

What is it that this is? Because of what did I end up in this state for a week? Either because of the female friend, or because of my mother. Or because I am simply taking my vitamins with tea and with water, doing my morning exercises. I don’t know. Or because of the thought that I had made the decision not to start a family, or, on the contrary, to start one. After all, I don’t know. After all, I haven’t yet made the choice. Maybe that is precisely the point — that I will have to make yet another choice, in order to end up somewhere definitively: to be alone, or to start a family. Right now, in truth, these kinds of thoughts are appearing: that they won’t let me “go out of my mind” and go off into this state, if I am living alone. As if then it’s needed that I be in a family, after all. So that I be in this state and someone would look after me. Or, on the contrary, I have to remain alone in the “cosmos,” and not be distracted by a family. I don’t know. Right now this is still going to be decided. Curious…

What else was there back in childhood, when I was in this state? Through me, this voice would always speak with all people — that I could say something to a person — back then, when I was young and “without the mind” — I could tell a person something, not knowing what I was saying, and a second later not remember what I had told him. And the person would be in shock — everyone was always in shock from what I would say to them. And I would speak without thinking — as if someone was speaking through me. And this someone always told everyone everything — some kinds of observations, or that they shouldn’t be worrying about something, or that they should believe in something — and they were always all in shock at where I knew this from. And I would say: “I don’t know anything. I have no knowledge — that is, I have no mind. It is just someone speaking through me, and that’s it.” I don’t know what this is and how this is done. When I was young, in that state, I always believed that I was not thinking about people — I couldn’t think at all. And it was always like this — as if there were I, and something up above. Or it was as if I didn’t even feel myself, and someone up above, or something up above, was there — these gods, aliens — well, I always sensed some kind of presence. And that’s why I would always ask questions, and the voice would answer me. What else manifested itself back then, when I was so strange? I drew the analogy — and I don’t understand what this is, and what it is connected to — that when I was that magical one, when I had left home and