Page 429
Posted: Wed Sep 16, 2026 8:24 am
Right now it’s March 14, 2026. I haven’t gone anywhere, haven’t disappeared.
Since the moment I decided to disappear after the Nine Inch Nails concert, I’ve
begun to notice about myself how I’m starting to see everything differently, how
I’m starting to feel myself differently, how my attention is working differently.
And one of the things that has started to appear — I’ve started hearing a voice.
Every time I want to make some kind of decision, first I ask — and this happens
on its own — I ask the voice, as it were, and the voice immediately tells me what
to do and what not to do. A couple of days ago I was talking with the voice about
myself, and much that is interesting was revealed. Part of it I’ll mention now, and
part of the information the voice told me I’ll keep to myself and reveal, possibly, a
little later in this same novel. But half of the information I’ll share. The first thing
the voice told me, to the question of when I would fully go off into this state, into
nowhere, and become nothing — was that not right now, and not soon yet. Not in
10 years, naturally — but he said, not soon. I asked why, since I’m trying this right
now, and why isn’t it working for me to leave — I’m now here, now there. And the
voice tells me: “You don’t understand — if you go off there, then you won’t come
back ever again.” And what is happening right now — those are attempts, like a
preparation. And right now I’m looking in there temporarily, and then surfacing
back out from there. But if I go off there fully, I won’t be able to return to the world
of people anymore. That’s what the voice told me. And that there will be many
such attempts, back and forth — and they will possibly be longer, and more, this
plunging in there — but all the same, I’ll still be returning. And when I fully go
off there, I won’t be able to return anymore.
Here I began to remember how it was before, when I had just appeared with my
books. Before, it was, precisely, the same thing, but in reverse. It was as if I was
from there, from the otherworldly world, and I kept trying, at least somehow,
at least for a time, to ground myself, in order to end up in the world of people.
And then I would be thrown back over there again. And I was the same way:
now here, now there. And when I came into the world of people, I would try, as
best I could, to focus, to pull my thoughts together, in order to describe, at least
somehow, that other world. And I would describe it — that there is some kind of
other world, other rules, that there is a language of circumstances there, of signs,
of paradoxes. And right now, as it were, the same thing is happening, but in the
Since the moment I decided to disappear after the Nine Inch Nails concert, I’ve
begun to notice about myself how I’m starting to see everything differently, how
I’m starting to feel myself differently, how my attention is working differently.
And one of the things that has started to appear — I’ve started hearing a voice.
Every time I want to make some kind of decision, first I ask — and this happens
on its own — I ask the voice, as it were, and the voice immediately tells me what
to do and what not to do. A couple of days ago I was talking with the voice about
myself, and much that is interesting was revealed. Part of it I’ll mention now, and
part of the information the voice told me I’ll keep to myself and reveal, possibly, a
little later in this same novel. But half of the information I’ll share. The first thing
the voice told me, to the question of when I would fully go off into this state, into
nowhere, and become nothing — was that not right now, and not soon yet. Not in
10 years, naturally — but he said, not soon. I asked why, since I’m trying this right
now, and why isn’t it working for me to leave — I’m now here, now there. And the
voice tells me: “You don’t understand — if you go off there, then you won’t come
back ever again.” And what is happening right now — those are attempts, like a
preparation. And right now I’m looking in there temporarily, and then surfacing
back out from there. But if I go off there fully, I won’t be able to return to the world
of people anymore. That’s what the voice told me. And that there will be many
such attempts, back and forth — and they will possibly be longer, and more, this
plunging in there — but all the same, I’ll still be returning. And when I fully go
off there, I won’t be able to return anymore.
Here I began to remember how it was before, when I had just appeared with my
books. Before, it was, precisely, the same thing, but in reverse. It was as if I was
from there, from the otherworldly world, and I kept trying, at least somehow,
at least for a time, to ground myself, in order to end up in the world of people.
And then I would be thrown back over there again. And I was the same way:
now here, now there. And when I came into the world of people, I would try, as
best I could, to focus, to pull my thoughts together, in order to describe, at least
somehow, that other world. And I would describe it — that there is some kind of
other world, other rules, that there is a language of circumstances there, of signs,
of paradoxes. And right now, as it were, the same thing is happening, but in the