Page 504
Posted: Wed Sep 16, 2026 8:45 am
Another thing I was writing down for myself on April 3rd. Here’s one of the
notes, that I recorded that I feel I’m “losing the cosmos,” that’s how I put it, in
quotation marks. And I began to figure out what’s happening and what the cause
is. I tell this to a friend, and he laughs and says that he remembers how before it
was all the same, and that in my first books I described this. What did I mean?
Before, when I was in this “cosmos,” that is, in the Spirit, let’s call it that. That
is, when my attention is completely free, I feel as if I’m like a “Rain Man,” like
some kind of autistic person, or simply as if in some vacuum. That is, there’s
no time, no space, I’m simply here and now. And I remember that if suddenly
matters piled up, as if there came to be more tasks than one — although it’s not
about the quantity — then I’d sometimes feel that, say, today I’d already been to
the bank on business, and now they’re also proposing that I meet with someone
else in the evening, and suddenly I realize that it’s as if, if I now continue on
further and don’t remain alone, then I’ll lose this state of mine — as if that’s it, I’ll
become a human. That is, as if that’s it, I’ll fall from heaven to earth. But this is
only an expression, don’t take all the words literally, here they have a completely
different meaning. I’m simply expressing feelings this way, as I expressed them
in childhood, in my diaries. And so, it seems, now over the course of… almost
a month has passed since the moment I came out of the system and became the
Spirit like this. That is, back then it happened — so it turns out on March 9th I
was at the concert, on the 10th I already went off into nowhere in the morning,
and it all happened. And so in this time I was out in society, talked with people,
saw various people, had many meetings, changed many cities. That is, I travel
a lot, but the cosmos wasn’t being lost through it. And then suddenly, a couple
of days ago, I felt as if something had weighed down on me, as if something was
pulling me down. And it turned out that you mustn’t overdo it with the quantity of
tasks, of responsibility. That is, it turns out that if I have one important meeting
planned for this week, then that’s it, I mustn’t plan any other meetings for now,
apart from this one important one — that it’s as if there’s the meeting, there’s me
in the cosmos, and everything’s fine. But if, let’s say, my acquaintances or friends,
or employees, start tossing me a heap of tasks, like: “Come on, maybe you’ll do
something else today, and on Monday next week let’s go somewhere else too, we
definitely need to coordinate a time,” then this begins to suffocate me. And if I go
and allow it on top of that, then that’s it, all the magic will disappear and my mind
will switch on, tension, and I’ll fall into the world of people. That’s what I noticed.
notes, that I recorded that I feel I’m “losing the cosmos,” that’s how I put it, in
quotation marks. And I began to figure out what’s happening and what the cause
is. I tell this to a friend, and he laughs and says that he remembers how before it
was all the same, and that in my first books I described this. What did I mean?
Before, when I was in this “cosmos,” that is, in the Spirit, let’s call it that. That
is, when my attention is completely free, I feel as if I’m like a “Rain Man,” like
some kind of autistic person, or simply as if in some vacuum. That is, there’s
no time, no space, I’m simply here and now. And I remember that if suddenly
matters piled up, as if there came to be more tasks than one — although it’s not
about the quantity — then I’d sometimes feel that, say, today I’d already been to
the bank on business, and now they’re also proposing that I meet with someone
else in the evening, and suddenly I realize that it’s as if, if I now continue on
further and don’t remain alone, then I’ll lose this state of mine — as if that’s it, I’ll
become a human. That is, as if that’s it, I’ll fall from heaven to earth. But this is
only an expression, don’t take all the words literally, here they have a completely
different meaning. I’m simply expressing feelings this way, as I expressed them
in childhood, in my diaries. And so, it seems, now over the course of… almost
a month has passed since the moment I came out of the system and became the
Spirit like this. That is, back then it happened — so it turns out on March 9th I
was at the concert, on the 10th I already went off into nowhere in the morning,
and it all happened. And so in this time I was out in society, talked with people,
saw various people, had many meetings, changed many cities. That is, I travel
a lot, but the cosmos wasn’t being lost through it. And then suddenly, a couple
of days ago, I felt as if something had weighed down on me, as if something was
pulling me down. And it turned out that you mustn’t overdo it with the quantity of
tasks, of responsibility. That is, it turns out that if I have one important meeting
planned for this week, then that’s it, I mustn’t plan any other meetings for now,
apart from this one important one — that it’s as if there’s the meeting, there’s me
in the cosmos, and everything’s fine. But if, let’s say, my acquaintances or friends,
or employees, start tossing me a heap of tasks, like: “Come on, maybe you’ll do
something else today, and on Monday next week let’s go somewhere else too, we
definitely need to coordinate a time,” then this begins to suffocate me. And if I go
and allow it on top of that, then that’s it, all the magic will disappear and my mind
will switch on, tension, and I’ll fall into the world of people. That’s what I noticed.