Page 505
Posted: Wed Sep 16, 2026 8:45 am
But when you’re already in this state of the Spirit that I’m in, then your feeling
won’t fail you. That is, it’s not so easy to lose this state. That is, there’s nothing
like — whoop, and the next day you suddenly up and closed off — that won’t
happen. That is, all the same you feel very clearly that something can, well,
suffocate you, as if press down on you, put you under strain. If you sense this,
then right away — not with the mind, but as if on autopilot, like an instinct of
self-preservation — you immediately do something to get away from it. That is,
and it turns out that with me, what happened right away, what was the reaction?
When I began to feel that something was pressing down on me, a couple of
days ago, what did I immediately want again? To switch off the phones and go
off somewhere into nowhere. Well, I understand that you can’t do that, I have
responsibility, many tasks, but again, note this — many tasks. And so the point
is that there seem to be many of them, but add plus one more task, and it begins
to suffocate. And so I added plus one task, and it began to press down on me.
But I haven’t lost myself yet, but it’s as if, if I take on one more task, then it’ll
close me off entirely. And I recall that I described this in my first rough drafts,
that it was always exactly the same with me. But it’s interesting, it can be from
anything at all. A person may start imposing themselves on you somehow, and
then you’ll simply want, like an instinct of self-preservation — because you’re
driven by feelings when you’re in the Spirit — and you’ll just go and take them,
block them, or change the phone, or not go into the phone, so as simply not to
read and not to answer there, if someone’s too persistent. That this can happen,
you see, from a person, this pressure, from some task — but the kind that’s
specifically one of responsibility, when they set you frames, deadlines, say, you
have to manage to get it done in 2 weeks. And that’s it, and it begins to suffocate
you, simply the thought of it. And because of this a thought is born, you see, and
it suffocates you. Whereas when you’re like this, not attached to anything, then
it’s the “cosmos.” That’s what I caught myself on. Well, and naturally, I don’t want
to lose my state of “cosmos.” So if something starts pressing down on me a little
from some quarters, I’ll just, like it was before in childhood, take French leave.
Because even — it’s as if, if I go clearing this up and explaining it to someone,
then it’s as if I can close off because of that already. Well, again, I’m simply
describing my path now, my behavior of these last days, but this isn’t advice.
This isn’t advice. It’s simply for general familiarization, how this can happen.
won’t fail you. That is, it’s not so easy to lose this state. That is, there’s nothing
like — whoop, and the next day you suddenly up and closed off — that won’t
happen. That is, all the same you feel very clearly that something can, well,
suffocate you, as if press down on you, put you under strain. If you sense this,
then right away — not with the mind, but as if on autopilot, like an instinct of
self-preservation — you immediately do something to get away from it. That is,
and it turns out that with me, what happened right away, what was the reaction?
When I began to feel that something was pressing down on me, a couple of
days ago, what did I immediately want again? To switch off the phones and go
off somewhere into nowhere. Well, I understand that you can’t do that, I have
responsibility, many tasks, but again, note this — many tasks. And so the point
is that there seem to be many of them, but add plus one more task, and it begins
to suffocate. And so I added plus one task, and it began to press down on me.
But I haven’t lost myself yet, but it’s as if, if I take on one more task, then it’ll
close me off entirely. And I recall that I described this in my first rough drafts,
that it was always exactly the same with me. But it’s interesting, it can be from
anything at all. A person may start imposing themselves on you somehow, and
then you’ll simply want, like an instinct of self-preservation — because you’re
driven by feelings when you’re in the Spirit — and you’ll just go and take them,
block them, or change the phone, or not go into the phone, so as simply not to
read and not to answer there, if someone’s too persistent. That this can happen,
you see, from a person, this pressure, from some task — but the kind that’s
specifically one of responsibility, when they set you frames, deadlines, say, you
have to manage to get it done in 2 weeks. And that’s it, and it begins to suffocate
you, simply the thought of it. And because of this a thought is born, you see, and
it suffocates you. Whereas when you’re like this, not attached to anything, then
it’s the “cosmos.” That’s what I caught myself on. Well, and naturally, I don’t want
to lose my state of “cosmos.” So if something starts pressing down on me a little
from some quarters, I’ll just, like it was before in childhood, take French leave.
Because even — it’s as if, if I go clearing this up and explaining it to someone,
then it’s as if I can close off because of that already. Well, again, I’m simply
describing my path now, my behavior of these last days, but this isn’t advice.
This isn’t advice. It’s simply for general familiarization, how this can happen.