Page 154

[Alexandr Korol]

done that, and I’ve noticed that people who are nice always say, “Call me a monster”. Seriously. And the ones who are just rats and snakes are the opposite; they say “I’m good, I’m the nice one”. Seriously, it’s the other way round. And that’s why I always make myself dirty on purpose, if only for balance, so that I don’t annoy people. In the pig world, if you’re alive, they’ll eat you if you’re visually perfect. I made myself dirty. And I tried, as always, on the contrary, to muffle it somehow, so that people wouldn’t look at me unnecessarily, wouldn’t discuss me unnecessarily. I’m always in the shadows. That is, everyone always thinks I’m some third friend, some figure in a hoodie, and I bend down and step aside. But let’s say my colleague is there, he’s discussing something, he’s making a decision, they’re so respectful to him, and nobody realises that I’m his boss.
And I don’t understand which way to go, either to hide or to go down into the human world, or to go further into “cosmos” and become even more of this system. The question is still open. I am still trying, looking around. That is, I have not yet made a final choice. I am trying to find out how I feel there, how I feel there, how I feel there.

Then there’s an interesting conversation with the Mystic-Old-Man about making a film. The fact that I say, as if I can take the director myself, take the money, invest everything, I can now quietly go out into the world and promote books by my own means. I mean, seriously, I can now sell everything, everything I have, except Karelia of course, and just take it all and make the world talk about my book. I mean, I can do that if I get the green colour. Also about the film. I mean, you probably remember me talking about how I’m the kind of person that if I don’t have to dig, I don’t dig. If it’s not the time, it’s not the time. A lot of readers could write me endlessly, “Alexandr, let’s make a film”. But I, you know, I’m waiting for signs. I can’t, just because I’m an egoist like you, go against nature, against the system, against all the laws and decide to make a film. I’ll just be run over by the system, crushed. It will deprive me of these opportunities in such a way that I will go to bed with some illnesses, just so that I can’t get out of bed and can’t even think about making a film. And that’s why some of you readers, people, even my friends and acquaintances, might ask yourselves, “Alexandr, why don’t you make a film yourself?” Or “You can, why are you waiting for something?” So if I were an egoist like you, I would probably ask myself that