Page 171

[Alexandr Korol]

And I listened to that melody from the film “The Fountain” — “Together We Will Live Forever” Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet. And all the music that I mention in the ninth volume must be listened to at the moment of reading, and directly make such a playlist — these are the soundtracks of the ninth volume. And so I listened to all that sad music, and for the first time I began to feel that I had become someone. That is, before that I was probably also somehow magical, but then I felt it very strongly, and that was when I began to keep diaries. And it was such a period, such a childhood, when you fall in love, become disappointed, and somehow try to live everything through feelings. Then I described the summer camp, then school, the upper grades, and everything about some kind of sincerity, romance, love. And about why people are all so closed, false, and not real. That is where it all began. That was the first time I entered into such an otherworldly magical world. You see, because of an incident. The second time was when I left home at 18. Again, it was as if I had settled, become surrounded with something. And that was how I noticed it. I always said that God wanted something from me, that as soon as I tried to arrange life — like people do, that is, to define myself — as soon as I tried to define myself with work, with study, with relationships, immediately everything collapsed. And so it was every time, always. I could not understand why He would not allow me this, even though I wanted it, and of course everyone wanted it. But in fact, the most magical thing is precisely when you are in this “corridor.” Yet in it there are its own nuances — what exists there and what does not. And if I recall the period of this “corridor,” when I left home at 18, it turns out that 2008, 2009, 2010 — those three years I had no certainty. Yes, I had many moves, later I also found an apartment for a year or two that I rented, but still there was no certainty. There was no certainty in work, no definite friends, no definite relationships. Everything was as though I lived one day at a time. And the state was like this — the music was super beautiful, super vast, and I could just sit at a table and listen to the same melody on repeat for five hours, and simply not notice anything, as though there was no time, no space. And it was as if you literally did not feel people, the world of people, inside your own head.