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[Alexandr Korol]

And he says:

— When is ‘home’? When specifically? In November? he asks me.
— Wait a second, I’m not talking about Russia or St. Petersburg. I mean ‘home’
in a different sense.
— I understand that, but when? It’s quite possible it will be a week before your
birthday or a week after, — he says.
— I am working on myself. What do I need to do to cross over to wherever it is
I am going?
— Fine, do it, just don’t tell anyone. Just focus on yourself. Don’t tell anyone
about this.
— Don’t tell what?
— Well, that you are going to be doing this now, or what exactly you will be doing.
— Alright, fine, I won’t.

I don’t know why he asked me that or what exactly he meant. As I understand
it, there really isn’t a specific time or a set date by which something must
happen. I am already starting to admit and feel that everything depends
on me. If, figuratively speaking, I do what is necessary and voluntarily
reconfigure myself every day to the maximum, then, of course, I will soon
achieve the state I need to enter and switch into the world where I belong. But,
you see, I might get distracted, or something might distract me, or I might
just feel like I’m “not in the Spirit” today, and it could drag on. I’ve decided
I don’t want to force anything or rush time or myself; whatever happens,
happens. For example, when I woke up today, I was supposed to follow
certain rules, knowing what I can and cannot do. But I broke them anyway.
Simply because... I understand it intellectually, but sensation-wise, I still
have certain weaknesses. For instance, I wake up at six or seven in the
morning and I know I should get up, but I decide to lie there a bit longer. Or
I wake up and I should be writing in my journal, but I go on my messenger
instead to read messages from employees. That’s just an example. It’s very
superficial because Big Alexander told me not to say anything and just
focus on the work. I don’t know, maybe so that no one expects anything.
I don’t know why. Maybe I’ve already broken the rules, I don’t know.