Page 397

[Alexandr Korol]

And all through the 29th, it was the same. It’s as if I am very deeply within
myself, but I feel good; however, it’s like when a person hangs, gets lost in
thought, and stares at one point into nowhere. I was in that state all day
yesterday, yet I was seeing people, and they even asked me, “What happened?”
and I said, “Nothing,” but at the same time, I didn’t even want to talk to them
because I was somewhere in a vacuum. I decided to record this. But the most
curious part — the most curious part — is what opened up and was highlighted
for me next in the correct sequence. I want to decipher now everything that
has happened over the last few days, everything that was highlighted to me.
It’s not just the last few days; this started back last week.
You know, there are these moments when you feel that where you are now
and what you are doing is exactly, perfectly the same as it was before, just in
a different cover — say, 5 years ago. I often caught myself in this; I could
be in Los Angeles, for example, and suddenly catch myself thinking that
I had already lived exactly like this once, just in a different house, moved
somewhere in the same way, did exercises in the morning in the same way,
and felt exactly the same, as if everything is repeating, just with a different
cover after some years. I felt it when I first appeared as Alexandr Korol,
as a writer, and when I was making my first book, “The Answer” — I lived
in a tall building on the 12th floor with a view of the avenue, and I often
went to the window, looked at the sky, the houses, the people, the roads,
and communicated. I would stand there and communicate with the Voice,
writing books. And you see, later, when I moved to live in New York in 2017 —
I began to notice it especially in the winter of 2018 — I am living alone in
this apartment in New York on West End Avenue, looking out the window,
I am alone, and all the same feelings, sensations, and generally everything
I am doing is exactly the same as then, when I was 19-20 years old making
the book “The Answer”. I had started gathering everything from all my
diaries and notes on the advice of Valentina (Masha Mikh’s mother); she
advised me to put it all together to make “The Answer”. And back then,
I lived in an apartment high up with that kind of view. And imagine, in 2018,
I am gathering all my draft books that I had written to make a book from
those drafts, which I called “The Corridor”. And similarly, I lived alone in a
house on a high floor with a large, spacious view, and all the same feelings —
even the music, everything was the same. And I think: “How can this be?