Page 48

[Alexandr Korol]

they’ll immerse themselves into the other half just as intensely, falling asleep and waking up to it, anything to avoid being alone with themselves. But for me, it’s the opposite; I must be able to spend time alone. It’s very important. I can’t go more than two days without being with myself. Here’s a story: I meet someone at the airport, spend the whole day with them, and naturally, it’s a perfectly good and decent day. The next day, I meet with them again and spend more time together. But do you know what the paradox is? Even though we’re not doing anything wrong, the person feels good, while I feel bad. Let me explain why. Because all this time, while I’m with that person, it’s like a telephone line – like the line is busy, and no one can reach me. All my attention is completely stolen, taken away. But for me, it’s important, you see, to just get up or sit down and feel myself today, right here and now, to feel myself, to see everything from the outside. It’s very important – to feel the world. This is something I need every single day.
So, where am I going with this? I’m giving you an example, a real-life story. The person who endlessly enjoys socializing is, in reality, closed off, closing off their heart. But they don’t even realize it. They might even twist everything around and say to me, “Alex, let’s go to church, didn’t you want to? Let’s go to the museum, didn’t you want to?” And they might suggest this every day, as if you can’t argue with that – everything seems like good things to suggest. They might suggest yoga, church, or the museum – it all seems fine, like good things. But in reality, this person lives this lifestyle just to avoid feeling themselves, to avoid being alone with themselves. They always need to be busy. And yes, it’s great that unlike many people, they aren’t numbing themselves with sins or useless things, but at least with something beneficial. But still, they’re numbing their heart. Imagine the paradox. Now, because I’m very aware, I see all these moments from the outside. I recall all the situations where I fell into traps. I want you to take note of this: Imagine this person, if I said, “Listen, can you spend two days at home, alone with yourself, just reading a book?” They wouldn’t be able to. Seriously, they wouldn’t. But at the same time, they could easily say to me, “Alex, what’s wrong with you? You’ve given up, haven’t you? You’re not going to the museum or the theater?” They’d say that to me. And in the game of life, in the human world, it’s as if you’re ready to admit defeat and admit you’re a loser. But no, I say, “Wait a minute. It’s not about giving up. The point is that both you and I need to spend time alone with ourselves, not endlessly occupying ourselves with something just to stay unaware.” That’s what it’s about.