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[Alexandr Korol]

meaning I hadn’t yet gotten a job, hadn’t decided where I would always live, hadn’t settled into anything — that as long as there were no set arrangements and I hadn’t yet built a relationship, it felt like all the worlds were open to me. You feel something very unusual, like you’re someone else entirely, a kind of conscious, awakened person. That’s why I always wanted to watch movies like “Big Fish” or a movie like “Interstate 60.” As if those films had something in them about freedom. As if all people are stuck in their own frameworks and rules, and you... Maybe you don’t even want any of that — you’re just already joyful about life. Maybe sometimes you’re amazed by things. Maybe at certain moments you even get upset, thinking that you’re not like everyone else, but still, when you’re undefined... Well, that’s how I’ve felt since childhood. When you’re in that undefined state, it’s like... You feel a wild love or inspiration or faith — I don’t know what to call it — confidence in yourself. As if you’re in a movie. It feels like you’ve landed in some kind of magical film. But as soon as you define yourself — job, school, family at that time... I’ll tell you, when I tried to make such decisions, even just thinking about it — not even actually doing anything — just thinking, “That’s it, starting tomorrow it’ll be like this,” right after that you feel like everything becomes very flat, all sense of depth disappears, music sounds flat, the light seems to dim. And you feel as if a countdown has begun, like that’s it, everything’s clear. When I made such a decision, even just mentally — without ever reaching the stage of actually doing anything — I already... I already immediately felt the end, like that was it. It’s like I instantly... It can’t be put into words. Of course, I didn’t physically see it, but it felt as if all of life suddenly became clear — as soon as you make a choice, it’s like you’ve chosen that path, that road, and you immediately see the end of that road and how long it is. And you suddenly seem to know everything: how your life will unfold and how it will end. And it’s like that scares you. And the moment you destroy everything, break it all apart, and end up once again in that unclear space — unsure of where, what, and how, without logic, without definition — there’s suddenly that same wild freedom again, lightness, magic. I noticed that when I interacted with people like a guest-observer, when I was still young, talking to everyone, meeting people, I liked not to interfere with their worlds — I liked being a guest in all these different people’s worlds. It’s as if I could see all those worlds, and they were all so interesting. I saw good worlds, bad ones.