Page 172

[Alexandr Korol]

As though when you are alone, there is only you and your world, and nothing else, and you cannot have any thoughts at all. And this is what I began to remember — and in the very moment of remembering, of course, I began to feel it again a couple of days ago — that you cannot think, you simply cannot think, you cannot even sit down at the table and write out a plan, you cannot evaluate anything at all. You do not understand what kind of T-shirt you have, what haircut you have, you do not even delve into any of it, you cannot delve into it. And as though the focus of attention is only on feelings — that you are watching a film, and you may not remember at all what the actors were called, or what they were wearing, you have no focus of attention for that, but only as though for the essence, for the feelings. And even if you are speaking with a person face to face, it is as though you do not even notice how he looked, it is as though all that time you only felt him. And I began to remember that when I was like this, I felt incredible happiness, magic. And I felt how, why, for what reason it suddenly becomes lost. And I felt that if I met some old acquaintance, I would talk with him, but I would not understand how much time had passed — an hour, two, or five. And I spoke as if everything were some kind of dream, that is, the feeling as though I were in a dream. And it is so unusual that if I suddenly feel that he begins to define me somehow, asks what I will do tomorrow, and I as though would not even have thought about it until tomorrow actually arrived. But he asks me what I will do tomorrow, what time I will wake up, whether we can meet at two. And because of this I begin to feel a mad heaviness and tension, as if I am immediately beginning to slip out of that magical world, as though the vibrations of my body and of me are starting to change rhythm, into the rhythm from which this friend of mine comes. And I do not want to answer him and strain myself, as though I need to strain my mind to respond to this, and as though if I answer him and plan a meeting tomorrow at two, then my magical world will go out, and I will go into some other vibrations, from which he is, where everything is boring, lazy, where you feel time, where everything is meaningless. And every time I felt this, I would say directly: “I cannot plan anything, sorry. And really we should already finish this conversation.” That is how I said, “sorry, I want to be alone.” And I felt so good being alone that I could not