Page 306

[Alexandr Korol]

as it were, get lost, like a child. And back then, if earlier, in 2008, 2009, 2010, whenever possible, if I went out into the street, it would only be with someone. He would be my guide. Thanks to him, I would end up in the world he lives in. And if I went somewhere with him, I felt calm, because he would lead me, would figure things out, and would bring me back home. But if I went out alone, I was afraid I would get lost — because this state “without the mind” would intensify even more. And you don’t understand at all how much time has passed since you went outside, and you can, as it were, forget that you need to go home. This is very strange. But it’s not some kind of memory loss. That is — you understand — how to explain it to you? That is, if I had been alone on the street back then, until you said: “Alex, time to go home,” I would not have considered that it was time to go home. That’s what we’re talking about. Not that I got lost and didn’t know the address. No — it’s as if I needed someone to remind me that I needed to go home, and then I would go home. But otherwise, I might just not think about it, get absorbed in something, and forget that I needed to go home. If they had asked me where home was, I would have clearly said where home was. But I might simply not think of this myself — and I needed someone to ask me. That is, that’s how it works, how the psyche works there in this world… What’s next? And so I remember that I would, in this state, watch various films, and would fully, as it were, live through them and experience them, because all my attention would go there. I would put on music and would, as it were, completely become the music. And I could not think about anyone or anything — only if someone showed up themselves. And then you would talk to him, and would fully immerse yourself in this. And here is what I have now begun to remember, when for a week I was “without the mind” in this kind of “cosmos,” let’s call it that. Then my mind started switching on, and so just now I was a week with the maximum mind. And so I want to go off again for a week into “without the mind” — but while I still have the mind, in these intervals, to reminisce on these moments. It’s hard, but I’m remembering.

And here, you see — I just wanted to say something, and it flew out of my head. Right — I’ll describe it now. The point is, if no one writes to me, no one calls me, then I won’t remember anyone. That is — I could simply be immersed in one thing, and that’s it: music, or a film, or drawing, or precisely the writing of a diary.